Friday, October 12, 2007

fortune cookies update

As you may know from a previous post, I'm currently experiencing a fortune cookie crisis. You see, I love fortune cookies. I find them crunchy and tasty and delightful--three things that many foods aren't. And the fortunes are a pleasant little surprise, like a cherry on top, but one for your brain and your funny bone.

But it really, really gets my goat when the fortunes aren't a foretelling of one's destiny, as a fortune is supposed to be. I blogged earlier about fortunes I received that were more like a statement or even an incitement to violence. They disturbed me so greatly that I even wrote a heartfelt letter to the manufacturer to complain. In case you were wondering, btw, it has gone surprisingly unanswered.

Well, after this week, I'm trying not to write a follow-up letter, simply because I'm pretty certain a corresponding restraining order would be delivered to me a few days later. Here are the three fortune cookie fortunes I received this week:

- Others look up to you. Don't let them down.

- You have a wonderful sense of humour.

- You have spoken words that will be regretted.

OK, so the first one's a warning. The second's a compliment. But the third? It sounds to me like some kind of doom and gloom proclamation.

Seriously, how did the person who writes these fortunes get his or her job? Did anyone think of asking him or her to define the word 'fortune' before pushing the employment contract across the table? Or does my nemesis want to push me over the edge so badly that he or she is playing a cruel and very elaborate joke on me?



Emory said...

I can't remember the last time I had a 'good' fortune, in a fortune cookie either.

I usually get the 'your as doomed as doomed can be,' ' don't move' or 'your gonna get biten by the next dog you see' one's. Seems like my coookie is alwys broken too. When did the fortunes become so cynical.

These things don't get my goat as much as the music on an Ice Cream Truck, or that gaunt 'Irish potato famine' look Katy Couric has, but I hear you.

Maybe we just have to do the Martha Stewart 'good' thing and bake our own. Maybe start a line of them - designer fortune cookies as it where - full of mayhem, shock, abuse, and plain 'ol foul mouth filth! Call them unfortunate cookies.

You will have a nice weekend. Grasshopper!

complain away said...

Ooh, thanks to your designer fortune cookie idea, my purchase of that North Carolina ferry off ebay is looking even better.

How about we set up designer fortune cookie manufacturing on the boat, anchor it somewhere where we can exploit people to make extra profit, then take off like a banshee just as the authorities figure us out?

Or, if the whole exploitation thing gets a bit tired, we can run "experience" ferry rides where you pay for the fun of making fortune cookies while we get you from A to B.

As for the ice cream truck, here's a story for you: there's one here that travels 45 minutes each way every Saturday and Sunday because my brother-in-law (who is almost 40) will always purchase ice cream. Now I just need you to imagine for a second how MUCH ice cream he needs to buy each time to make that 45 minute trip worthwhile. I've seen it, and it ain't pretty.