my city likes to help stupid tourists

Tonight, walking back from a massage (downtown) to my house (downtown), I was jolted out of my peaceful calm by a flag that said "downtown," and then, in big capitals, "HOTELS."

I immediately felt a complaint letter coming on. Here's how it's coming together. Inevitably, I'll rewrite it in my sleep and it'll look entirely different in the morning.

Dear City Councillor Friend,

I'm sad that my city is currently in a budget deficit situation. However, I completely understand that there are many important initiatives that scream for funding. Off the top of my head, I can think of a few examples, such as after school programs, public transit, and shelters for battered women and the homeless. After this evening, I have another program to add to the list. You see, tonight I discovered the delightful "HOTELS" flags downtown. In a word: wow.

So let's think about this for a second: most tourists coming into the city arrive by airplane or train. And the majority of the plane and train arrivals get into a taxi to get themselves to a hotel. The rest probably get picked up by friends, relatives or privately arranged transportation. I think we can safely conclude that plane and train arrivals don't need much help figuring out where to find a hotel.

However, as you seem to have most cleverly remembered, there are always those people who arrive by car or on foot or bicycle. Let's consider those people for a second: most of those driving in either have been here before or have a map and planned destination. Of course, there are probably some who have no knowledge or plan, but one has to presume that they would be able to recognize and read large signs that say such things as "Hilton," "Sheraton," and "Westin."

This still leave us with these people:
- complete morons in cars who cannot read signs. I have to ask why you as my city councillor would be encouraging those people to come here. Please stop.
- people who enter the city on foot or by bicycle. Now, I've never really met anyone who just upped and walked or biked in from far away, but I assume those people exist. However, if they do, I'm not sure they actually care which part of the city has the hotels. I'm thinking these people may eschew hotels for hostels, barracks for historical reenactments, or tents.

So, I'm sure those delightful flags are fulfilling an identified need. However, as you can see from this letter, I've thought long and hard and I'm a bit stumped as to what that need is. Perhaps someone from your office would like to put me out of my misery by dropping me a letter to enlighten me. I'd be most grateful.

RainyBow

divide or multiply by 1.6?

Dear friends at Nautilus Inc.,

I frequent the treadmills at my gym on days when inclement weather makes it difficult to enjoy running outside. For the last year or so they've provided a less than desirable experience; either the mainframe was vibrating, providing the experience of running on the back of a flat bed truck, or the walk belt was not so cushioning, providing the experience of running on a concrete block.

And so, when I walked into my gym last week and saw a row of gleaming, new Nautilus(R) T916 machines I was thrilled. Now, in the early mornings when I'm alone in the gym and don't feel like turning on the lights because I'm in denial, the huge backlit LCD display provides a soothing glow. And the 16-year old boy in me drools over the flashy silver frame. On days when I have a hard time finding inner motivation, the 14 training programs are there to give me that nudge. Indoor running doesn't get much cooler than this.

But here's the problem: your company is so ridiculously American-centric that you weren't able to build a treadmill that works in the real world of running. The T916 allows for measurement only in miles, not kilometres. As you may have heard, the metric system is used in like every country in the world other than the US. It's also used in 95% of all races in the world of running--all those things that the people who actually use your treadmills train for.

Now, use of one of our treadmills requires engaging in an exercise in mathematics to ensure a desirable speed or distance. Given that I usually run early in the morning, this math exercise feels more like a painful exam, one that I'm always about to fail.

So, thanks to all of you at Nautilus, I get a refreshing start to my day, feeling like a complete idiot. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.


RainyBow

glaring grammatical error’s in important thing’s

I travel a lot and find that in many of the places I visit, people who learn English as their second, third or fourth language often speak it better than native English speakers. When in Denmark, I was actually corrected by a Norwegian on the incorrect use of the word “less” (in the place of “fewer”). I hear the mistake so frequently that it has become normal to my ears and I now make the same mistake myself. It’s embarrassing, really, that native English speakers don’t take pride in their language the way that many others do (e.g. the French).

I understand that mistakes are sometimes made purely because of haste. However, I see glaring errors in important documents such as resumes. Don’t you think that if you’re applying for a job, you should have someone proofread the one document you’re submitting to strangers in order to be considered? Other horrible examples are street signs, restaurant and store names, and blog titles—not posts, actual blog names. And so, today, I have to write my sad note to Ponyknit.

Dear Ponyknit,

You’re a molecular biologist, an avid knitter, and a horseback riding instructor. You sound like a pretty cool person. I think it’s hilarious that you’ve made felted clogs, I feel your pain on your break up with the boyfriend and I’ve tried all your quizzes (and discovered that if I were knitting needles, I’d be turbo charged, if I were a flower I’d be a snapdragon, and if I were a finger, I’d be the pinky). I love that you blog about this stuff. And, really, you’re a contributor to the Christmas around the world knitters swap blog, which sort of defies description.

But it really makes me sad that you’ve headlined your blog “If Pony’s could knit.” I would have thought that someone as interesting as you, who even rides horses, would know that the plural of “pony” is “ponies”—or at least, that one of your blog visitors would have politely pointed that out by now.

I don’t want to belabour the point, but so you know for next time, nouns are never made plural with the inclusion of an apostrophe. Apostrophes are only used for one of two things: to mark that a word has been abbreviated or to indicate possession, in that order. (I say “in that order” because in the case of “it’s,” the apostrophe indicates abbreviation and “its” is for possession. But I don’t want to mess you up with that just yet.) So go make some more clog's clogs, indulge in retail therapy to rid yourself of the ex boyfriends boyfriend’s bad aura, and keep sharing those quizz’s quizzes!


RainyBow

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SunnyShine note: I cannot even look at the subject line of this post without feeling anxiety. Rampant apostrophe misuse drives me crazy. Speling errers do as well. I took a look at her blog and had to avert my eyes for the most part. I do, however, feel badly about her breakup and that the boyfriend took the dog. Sad. I am also concerned about this: 'I had picked up a Kenny Chesney Flip Flop Summer Tour key chain'. Ahh, she makes it too easy. I would pay money to see a pic of this key chain. The description makes me howl and I want one for myself. lmao.

wrongdoing may be virtuous-?!

Today I was a crazy old person and sent a letter to Wing's Food Products complaining about their fortune cookies (which, by the way, I get for free). I do this now and then when I feel like ranting. I'm sure the person on the other end appreciates the sentiment! Have a read...

Dear Sir/ Madam,

The cafeteria at my workplace has begun serving your fortune cookies along with Asian-style meals at lunch. I’m always excited to get one because I find your cookies quite tasty and, like most people, I generally find the fortunes quite amusing.

However, of late, while the quality of the cookies has remained the same, I have been distressed by the fortunes I have been receiving. According to the American Heritage Dictionary, “fortune” means a foretelling of one’s destiny. As such, I believe a fortune should read something like:

- A financial investment will yield returns beyond your wildest hopes.

or

- An influential figure will make mention of you in a positive light.

The last two fortunes I have received Monday and today have been of a quite different nature. They are:

- A smile is the universal communication between two people.

and

- For a good cause, wrongdoing may be virtuous.

The first of these is merely a statement (which, by the way, I believe to be factually incorrect. Perhaps you should read Angus Trumble’s A Brief History of the Smile. But that is a whole other story.). The second seems to be an incitement to violence. Both of these, although particularly the second, left me not giggling, as fortunes should, but mildly disturbed.

I am writing to suggest that you reassess the fortunes in Wing’s cookies. It shouldn’t be hard to return to the “tall, dark, handsome stranger” variety, and away from “please go hurt other people and it will be OK” messages.

Thank you for your consideration.


RainyBow

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SunnyShine note: Ummmm. Did you really write them a letter? Clearly you don't have enough to do. I would, however, keep that last fortune to use as evidence when the time comes.

________________________

RainyBow note: Yup. Can you imagine the poor, confused people at Wing's? Can't wait to see if they write back. If I'm feeling a bit frisky tomorrow, I may start sending them a daily fortune suggestion. Just for fun....