Wednesday, October 24, 2007

office convo trilogy #3: come watch me give birth

This one's among my faves because it also features Fraulein SunnyShine. "Colleague" is the same one as in trilogy #1 and 2. Please keep in mind that we don't know her well, or even at all.

Colleague [to me and another colleague, not Sunny]: I'm really in awe of the wonder of pregnancy and childbirth. It's just amazing.

Me: Ever since I was shown an East German birthing manual that featured hundreds of photos of a 1970s East German woman with a seeming aversion to razors giving birth while wearing only tubesocks, I just haven't been so keen on it.

Colleague: Well, I'm totally jealous of men who get to see everything. I wish I could have seen the birth of my children live. I had a girlfriend film my first kid's birth so that I could see it afterwards. She even got the afterbirth on film. I watched it right afterwards. It's so great.

Me: Wow, I'm not sure I'd want to see a video like that of myself.

Colleague [beaming]: Well, you can come over and see mine if you'd like. Why don't you guys come over one day and we'll eat popcorn and watch it?

Me: Ummmm....

[SunnyShine strolls up to chat, unaware of invitation that has just been extended]

Me: Hey, we're getting invited to watch her childbirth video over popcorn.

Sunny [stricken look taking over her face]: I think I'm busy that day.

Colleague: What day?

Sunny: Any day. Everyday. The day you show that video. I'm busy.



SunnyShine note: Worst. Thing. Ever.


Complaint Department Manager said...

That is just plain weird, man. I can't stand people who are that casual about shit like that, it's freaky.

Emory said...

I must agree with CDM on this one.

I don't care for the utlra sound 'alien' photos either.I feel that I am taking a Rorschach Test, viewed through streaky wind sheild wipers. "Oh! I see that now, I am so full of fail, I thought that was it's arse" or "what's with he eye patch, I didn't know you were a Pirates fan'

So yes, please keep your private parts private, and as a general rule of thumb, any video of a childs birth celebration should include a cake, funny hat, and a single candle. Not a room filled with masked strangers heading for a halloween party, picking over a planceta.


Zap said...

Somehow you happened upon my blog. Left a message suggesting an author (similar to Kapucinski). thanks for your are too very wacky chicks, he said respectfully.


complain away said...

Clearly, zap doesn't get many book recommendations and has never nextblogged. All I can say is that he's missing out on great discoveries like Sunny's mash.

At any rate, now that emory's brought up the placenta phenomenon, I have to share another horrifying revelation: I know someone who served placenta lasagne to her family. I heard about the health benefits of placenta ingestion in great detail.

Now that's another occasion when I really think even the most amazing bouquet of flowers couldn't make an iota of difference....

Emory said...


Speaking of lasagne, what the hell hell has happened to all the fat Italian chicks.

So I go to the g'store the other day- somthing I do not do that often, may I add - for fettucini. I make one hell of a fettucini with trois frommage. (It's a real panty peeler .. seriously. I'll have to get the recipe to your 'slide rule jockey' friend, although Viagra man might see more benefit.)

Anyhow, while I am in the fettucini / Italian section I notice a distinct absence of fat Italian 'chicks' on the labels of sauces and boxes. It used to be that you would always advertise your Italian food products with some rotund italian women, usually a grand mom (hard to tell an italian mom from a grand mom, they really let themselves go so quickly, don't they?)

Well evidently, in my absence they have replaced these fat 'chicks' with either a pensive pouty (Gia Russo)child, or a drop dead gorgeous virgin peasant, wandering the fields of Lombardy (Spardella.)

Now I am not slamming the I'Ti's. From a design perspective, they are argueably unequaled, and the displays where extremly well done, and Italian women (fat or no) have a certain allure, but what has happened to all the fat Italian chicks on pasta boxes? Did Caesar banish them to Samoa, or what?

Emory said...

Oops .... that would be Starletta Pasta of Napoli.

Does this box look like it is housing pasta, or a personal feminine hygene product?

complain away said...

Well, 'slide rule jockey' is quite the pie maker. The pies really are delish. The 'panty peeler' portion is ruined though by the long dissertation on how the pie was concocted, complete with engineering observations on the best way to weigh down crust.

I think rather than sharing the fettuccine recipe, you may want to tell him that silence can be golden.

Amusing hijack, btw.