Saturday, October 13, 2007

things that have been said to me in an elevator

I live in a downtown condo building with a mishmash of characters, ranging from university students from Hong Kong whose parents have bought them a condo, to retirees who walk around the building with a parrot on their shoulder, to young singles always looking to pick up.

In the category of singles looking to pick up, one in particular comes to mind. He's a 42-year old buyer for a few upscale clothing stores in the city and he's dating a beautiful 26-year old. He has oodles of cash and owns several ridiculous cars. Over the five or so years that he's lived down the hall from me, he's shown a penchant for ridiculous lines he believes will make me want him. As of yet, not one has had the desired result, but I feel the need to share some of my faves:

- Your car needs to go into the shop? Well, do you drive standard? Why don't you just take my Porsche keys now and drive it when you need to? I have the other cars so I don't really need it.

- On anyone else, those jeans would be too short, but you know you can pretty much pull off anything.

- I knocked on your door last night but you didn't answer. How late is it OK for me to knock?

[To my neighbour Joe, who I love, who is trying to set me up with a friend - in front of me, of course] - Don't set her up with that guy. Does he know that this girl isn't someone you just date, she's the girl you get a house with?

- Joe's coming over later to smoke some pot. Why don't you come? If you can't make it down the hall after, you can just wake up at my house tomorrow.

[Today, after I had inches of my hair cut off, and got a new piercing] - You're a different kind of chick, huh? I like that.

[and my personal favourite - because this is what you say to a girl to impress her] - I think it's going to end with the girlfriend soon. She wants to have sex all the time and you know, I'm just not that into sex.



Complaint Department Manager said...

Wow, creepy. I see he's as subtle as a grenade in a barrel of oatmeal.

Emory said...

Hmmm! Are you sure Viagra boy, is into girls? Fashion buyer, oodles of cash, 24 year old, and the Porsche.

Maybe he was knocking on your door for a cup of Chi, kinda like do-dad in 'As Good as it Gets'

Also, any guy that breaks up with a GF because of to much secks, should be considered medically unfit for dating. IMHO.

Complaint Department Manager said...

That whole "I'm just not that into sex" thing is a load of shit. That's a line a guy uses to get the girl's defenses down so he go to work on her trust. He wants you to think he's a "safe bet". What-the-fuck-ever! Although, if he is sincere *bullshit*, then I agree with emory on taking his man card away from him.

Strannix said...

"You're a different kind of chick, huh? I like that."

I'm totally stealing that one.

complain away said...

strannix, you so owe me when you meet the love of your life and live happily ever after. Lemme know when it happens, OK?