where do i get that mask?

On Thursday after work, I had coffee with a new guy I barely know. The conversation was good. However, I suspect I will never hear from him again.

You see, I live near my city's Church of Scientology. I'm not big on Scientology. In fact, I'm not big on religion generally, but I'm really not big on Scientology. At any rate, the Scientologists here are very industrious in their recruitment, and they're always out on the street, handing out flyers and trying to get people to take their stress tests. (And now that we're on the topic, has anyone actually taken the stress test? I wonder if anyone ever gets told he or she isn't stressed.) Since I pass their office so frequently, the regular recruitment people all recognize me.

So on Friday, as new guy was walking me home from coffee, as we passed Scientology (open at all hours, I swear), one of the flyer guys gave me a big smile and a "hey, nice to see you. How are you doing?" Buddy's head swung around quickly and he said, "You know that guy?"

I tried to explain that I pass by their office a lot, just because I live there. The pace of our walk picked up considerably. The goodbye was cursory at best.

Damn those Scientologists for screwing up my love life. You know how those Anonymous people protest in their masks and tell stories about their family members being brainwashed and mistreated by L. Ron Hubbard's followers? Well, maybe I should get a mask and tell the sad story of how Scientologists ruined my date.

I'm not sure that's the real point of the Anonymous group, but they must welcome all new members, no?

the bible was their guide for this?

I do like me some heart-warming church stories. How 'bout this one, with the couple who decided to go at it at least once a day, because their church thought it would be good for their relationship? I'm not really sure why you become a celebrity when you decide to engage in conjugal relations with your spouse, but there it is. And buddy's profound judgement at the end? "I'm surprised it worked as good as it did."

Clearly the Bible mumbo jumbo and/or the constant exchange of bodily fluids have impeded his ability to speak English real good. I wonder if the church is keeping track of this less-than-desirable side effect.

Rainy

church

To maintain good standing in my family, I had to attend church yesterday. Now, I assume there are some faiths in the world that are tolerant, inclusive and rejoicing of all that is good in the world. The faith I was born into is none of the above. If I could change only one thing about my upbringing, it would be to take back my baptism by those horrible people.

Misogynistic, racist and ignorant are three words I would use to describe the three hours I had to endure yesterday. Yes, three hours. The service is long to begin with, but then they do it in two languages. My father's also a heathen and we spent the first of those hours in the back, giggling at things we found in our pockets, the weird outfits everywhere around us, the crazy divine liturgy (whatever that is--see, I really do know nothing) that was in the pew, and the priest's version of English, the comprehension of which required advanced training in cryptology.

After the first hour, it got really tedious really quickly.

After two hours, when the collection plate came around twice so that we could fund the church's "good works," the rage started to burn. "Good works" meant sending missionaries abroad, presumably to try to cure the locals of their heathen ways and show them the path of righteousness. Because that's worked so well for so many people.

And now I'll forget about the rage until the next traditional wedding, funeral or memorial at which I'll have to make an appearance. Maybe I can dig up my baptismal certificate as a memory of the joy in the interim.

RainyBow

this is what disqualifies you from being a parent?

Last year I watched Jesus Camp and read The God Delusion at around the same time. They proved to be complementary, since Jesus Camp depicts the people Richard Dawkins rails against, those who turn their kid into a [insert descriptor of particular religion here] before the kid is old enough to make a conscious decision for him or herself.

Tonight, I spent a chunk of the evening debating the New Jersey news story about the couple barred from adopting a little girl. As you've probably heard, the couple indicated that the man was an atheist and the woman a pantheist, which convinced the courts that they would be unfit parents. According to the judge, "the child should have the freedom to worship as she sees fit, and not be influenced by prospective parents who do not believe in a Supreme Being."

For real?! The last time I checked, the U.S. was a secular country with a mix of people of all kinds of religions. And I would think that there are far more important and obvious criteria with which to judge whether one is fit to raise a child. I don't even think I need to list them.

I hate fighting a stupid argument with another stupid argument, but I found myself doing it over and over this evening. Why is OK for evangelical Christians in the U.S. to adopt, even though they'll influence a child because they do believe in a Supreme Being? Or am I missing a news story on that one?

i spit out my juice when i found this one

Why spend millions on an advertising agency, TV commercials and print ads, a PR campaign, a website, and heck, why even create packaging for your product?

Now there's Christvertising. Their website is a bit light on details, but here's an excerpt, so you can see how amazing it really is:

Christvertising is a network of communication specialists and advertising professionals which help you navigate through the maze that is the world of competitive brands. If you like your product, so do we, but more importantly, so does God. We believe that nothing is possible without the Lord's blessing and consent. Your product is no exception. May God bless your Brand.

Now, call me crazy, but I'd just like to remind you that our world is currently plagued with ethnic violence in Kenya, wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, a horrible situation in Darfur, guerrilla war in northern Uganda, a crisis in Zimbabwe, violence and instability in Pakistan, a war brewing in Congo, ongoing Arab-Israeli conflicts, currency crises in all kinds of countries and natural disasters occurring daily all over the world, global warming and the ozone crisis, millions of people (some estimates as high as 30 million) who starve to death every year and millions of other people (some estimates as high as 2 1/2 million) still within the bondages of slavery. I could go on and on but I'm getting a bit depressed.

Given all of this, if there happens to be a God, I'd like to suggest that perhaps he or she may be just a teensy weensy bit too busy to worry about the success of Johnny Boy's crummy widget company.

Just throwing it out there.

it's like where's waldo for crazy people

Recently there was the towel, the fire in Poland and the seeds of an eggplant. There's never much time to wonder where someone's going to spot Jesus again.

This week some bored people in Florida found Jesus in a pancake. It seems fitting that that pancake was made from a mix bought at Wal-Mart, clearly my choice for holiest of holy stores.


As the woman who first spotted the likeness told the interviewer, "I know it's Jesus and Mary. It's unmistakable." Apparently, the halo over one of the figures was the big tip-off.

The woman believes her deceased father was speaking to her through the pancake. She was nonetheless willing to sell the divine creation to the highest bidder on ebay, so perhaps her father wasn't saying much beyond hello. In the end, the pancake went to the top bidder for the bargain price of $29. As the writer of the article states, "religious images that hop out of the frying pan just don't get respect anymore."

Maybe not, but we'll keep posting 'em on complainaway....

RainyBow
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SunnyShine note: I'm not sure if these people are bored, or if they're blind. I can't see Jesus in this pancake. Maybe they have x-ray vision or night-vision goggles (typed google again...hee) that help them view these things. I can only see a camel with two humps. Maybe I'm anticipating.....

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RainyBow note: To me, it just seems kinda gross. Even when this was fresh, I think you'd still need to have paid ME the $29 to get me to eat it. Ick.

i hate b&bs

Earlier this year I went to a charity event. It was the usual save-the-animals yadeeyadah. I go to a lot of these. This one seemed a teensy bit low budget, because raffle tickets for "the big draw" cost only $10. I bought a ticket and didn't even bother looking at the prizes.

Well, I got the phone call a few days later congratulating me on being the big winner. Skeptical and figuring that I had won an animal stuffed toy or perhaps a specimen of taxidermy, I asked what the prize was. I won a bed & breakfast for a night. The whole bed & breakfast. Me and up to seven friends.

Now, I've stayed at b&bs before. This summer, for example, I went to Fallingwater with a friend (yes, we're geeks) and we ended up staying at a b&b in the middle of nowhere that was owned by Jehovah's Witnesses. They looked way too young to be married and gave us many, many pamphlets. And the Jesus Camp was just down the street.

But that's not really the reason why I hate b&bs. I'm a city girl and I enjoy being nameless. I like that I can go to the local drugstore and buy a home pregnancy test and nobody will spend the rest of the day speculating on the identity of the father. I enjoy that I can go for breakfast and the person who cooked my meal doesn't need to know what I did yesterday and what I plan to do today. But then I end up at a b&b and all is lost. The walls are resplendent with floral patterns and there are so many trinkets and chotchkas that I'm afraid to make my usual sweeping gestures during conversation. I'm out of my element and my defenses are down. Then the owner starts with the questions. So many, many questions.

So today I'm heading out there with some friends. Velma (yes, that's the owner's name, and I've already seen photos of her floral walls) and I have already had numerous phone and email conversations. She's offered numerous suggestions for our weekend. She also ran the breakfast menu past me almost five weeks ago. Yes, five.

Wish me luck.

RainyBow

jesus in a towel

Didn't I just blog about something like this? Keep a look out for that special towel in Bed, Bath & Beyond. It might just save you.

SunnyShine
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RainyBow note: Given the volume lately, methinks we need to create a new label for all of this stuff. Maybe we should use something like "Jesus, Mary and Joseph in our homes, food, garden implements and everyday crap." Suggestions are welcome.

the crazies get crazier

I inadvertently lit some paper towel on fire yesterday and nearly set my house on fire. The fire took on the shape of, well, fire. I'm saddened by this because it seems that fire in Poland is appearing like the late pope. I feel like I have missed out.



How do they know this is the pope? It really could be anyone waving hello or goodbye. Actually, it looks a little like the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz. Do the crazies spend all day looking out for stuff like this cause they seem to find this imagery in the weirdest places. They're probably upset they can't frame the fire and auction it to the highest bidder. I will have to start inspecting random clouds, fires, puddles, food etc more closely. Maybe I could find the Easter Bunny or even the Tooth Fairy. I think the Tooth Fairy might be better cause she gives out money.

SunnyShine

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RainyBow note: Might I remind you that you should also keep your eyes open for the word GOD in a halved eggplant?

these website people told me to become Oedipus

Next Blogging today (yes, I have a problem, and I figure there's no better way to deal with it than to make it into a verb), I found a blog with a button indicating that the blogger was "good enough to go to Heaven." Wtf? When I clicked through, I discovered www.needgod.com.

The site promises that an eight question quiz will answer two questions:
1. Am I a good person according to God's standards?
2. If so, am I good enough to go to Heaven?

The eight questions include such deep thoughts as:
- Have you given money to charity?
- Have you ever looked at someone and had lustful thoughts?

Hmmm... question one is easy and gets me one step closer to Heaven. But question two is a bit more tricky because I am not an amoeba. Sadly, there are more questions like #2 than like #1. Who is this quiz for, rocks?!

I finish my eight questions, feeling most un-rock-like, and click through. Oooh, surprise, I am not a good person according to this crappy website's standards. And the site tells me, "Our straightforwardness is motivated by a genuine concern for your soul." Wow. People have only faked concern for my soul in the past; finally I've found genuine concern in an anonymous survey online.

Then I click to find out if I'm good enough (I am not adding all these random italics; perhaps they help one become a better person according to God's standards) to go to Heaven. Sadly, I'm guilty of breaking His commandments, and apparently I'm going to hell, which I'm told should concern me. And this is why it should concern me (direct quote, I swear):

Would you sell one of your eyes for a million dollars? How about both eyes for ten million? No one in their right mind would! Your eyes are precious to you... but they are only a "window" for your soul. Your soul (your inner being, your life, your personality) looks out through those eyes. Consider how precious your eyes are... then realize that Jesus said that Hell is so horrible that you would be better off tearing out your own eyes than ending up there for all eternity.

RainyBow


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SunnyShine note: I couldn't resist and took the test myself. I am also going to hell - direct flight in coach. Did you get this too:

Perhaps you feel safe because you don't believe in Hell. This can be likened to standing in the middle of a busy highway and shouting, "I don't believe in trucks!" Your belief or disbelief in trucks will not change reality. The same applies in this situation. Your disbelief in Hell will not cause it to cease to exist. God has given us HIS WORD on the existence and purpose of Hell... LOOK HERE to see what God says in the Bible about Hell.

I wonder if hell is going to go the way of limbo?

i'm sure she's glad she married this guy

We all know my feelings about children. I was a little taken aback when I read this article about a woman who has just given birth to her 9th. I have three things to say about this.

1. Nine children is excessive. This poor woman. Who needs 9 children? Doesn't say what religion they are but I'll put my house on the fact that they are religious freaks.
2. I would be filing divorce papers. You would think that after 8 babies, the woman would be pretty accurate with her prediction that the baby was on the way. The idiot she is married to wasn't quite convinced and sat down to enjoy his morning coffee. What a catch. She must be so proud
3. After 8 children, he doesn't know what to do when the water breaks? Really? Was he absent for the others?

I hope I'm lucky enough to find a guy like him.

SunnyShine

denial is a river in egypt

Remember when I posted about the now ex-Senator Craig? Well, here's an interview with his kids. I'm trying to bite my tongue, (so unlike me, I know) so the only thing I'll say is that the gay apple doesn't fall far from the gay tree.

SunnyShine

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RainyBow note: There is so much obviously funny stuff about that interview. My favourite thing though is that his daughter appears to be the product of an affair Mrs. Senator Craig had with a ROBOT. Seriously, does she know how to do anything other than stare at her brother, nod, smile and say "absolutely?" The family must be so proud.

now i've heard everything

Remember the lovely Ted Haggart? You know - evangelical, bible thumper, homosexual, hypocrite, (ex)-gay. Well, it seems that he is in dire straights and needs you, gentle reader, to help him out financially. This guy has cojones the size of Brazil. I'm not even going to bother with the tirade.

In other evangelical news, a republican senator from Idaho was busted for trying to solicit sex in a men's room. Funny how that happens. I love karma.

I'm sure there will be a press release telling us how he is now closer than ever to Jesus and how he is entering reprogramming so he can live out his days as a homoeterosexual. blah blah blah. Here's his voting record for the record:

* Voted YES on constitutional ban of same-sex marriage. (Jun 2006)
* Voted NO on adding sexual orientation to definition of hate crimes. (Jun 2002)
* Voted NO on expanding hate crimes to include sexual orientation. (Jun 2000)
* Voted YES on prohibiting same-sex marriage. (Sep 1996)
* Voted NO on prohibiting job discrimination by sexual orientation. (Sep 1996)


Is there anything worse than a self-hater?

It's 2007. Isn't it time that people were free to live their lives in or out of the closet without being judged?

SunnyShine


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RainyBow note: I wish this were everything. Sadly, my cynical side (i.e. all of me) thinks we'll be posting with a similar title in the near future.

don't kids have the right to make up their own mind?

Recently I read Richard Dawkins' The God Delusion. One of Dawkins' biggest complaints within the book is about people who call kids "Christian children" or "muslim children," etc. He argues that kids raised to believe in something by their parents haven't yet formed their own opinion. Therefore we can't truly call them something they haven't yet chosen to call themselves. I completely agree.

Today was a rainy and cold day where we are. All day I dreamed of lying under my fuzzy blankie on my couch, drinking a cup of soy hot chocolate with mini marshmallows while munching on a selection of sour candies. Yes, I know that probably sounds completely disgusting to you with your hoity-toity taste, but comfort food is a very personal thing, n'est-ce pas?

OK, so on to the meat of the story. I took a different route home than usual (because of huge traffic problems on a highway that's in the midst of reconstruction, which the local government refuses to admit is under construction. Don't get me started. And this is not the meat of the story.). On my way home, while inside my car, dry, but still dreaming of aforementioned blankie, hot drink and snacks, I noted eight people standing by the side of the road, shivering. Each was carrying a large anti-abortion protest sign. The photo on each sign was the typical bizarre-looking close-up of a foetus at 10 weeks. My camera phone photos cannot rival those taken by SunnyShine in a recent post but I'm going to go with the "I was driving" excuse. Here is one shot anyway, to give you at least a sense of what I saw. Pretend you're doing a driveby and only have a quick second to look.

Now, what you can't see in this photo is that the majority of the people standing by the side of the road were children. The youngest looked about 12 years old.

Now I'm all for freedom of speech. It didn't matter to me which side of the issue these people were on--they just happened to be right-to-lifers. I would have felt the same way if they had been right-to-choosers. If you want to stand on the street corner in the cold and rain so you can hold up some crappy sign that people will probably ignore, that's your business.

But I feel like it's no longer your business if you force a child to join in that activity. I don't care if you're that kid's parent or not; to me, this borders on child abuse. Really, what does a kid of 12 really know about what he or she would do, or would want others to do, if faced with a pregnancy? And why subject him or her to conflict with others over such a heated issue, when there are so many other great things he or she could be doing? Like real, tangible volunteer work where he or she could learn what it's like to do good deeds for others.

Freedom of speech should also mean freedom of thought, especially for kids. Some of us were lucky enough to have parents who let us grow up and make our own opinions about this stuff. My heart aches for those who aren't so lucky.

RainyBow


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SunnyShine note: Sigh. I am going to have to force myself not to go on ad nauseam about this issue. I'm sure these parents had their kids at Jesus Camp all summer and thought they needed something to do in the two weeks before school starts. Actually, come to think of it, they are probably home schooled. I hate the fact that these people scare their kids to death and make them grow up with a completely skewed view of the world. What is going to happen when they grow up and have to face the real world? Side note: I went to Catholic school (shocking, I know) and our school had the highest rate of pregnancy in the city. I know more than a few people who came from strict Catholic families and ended up having abortions. If only the nuns knew.

the best funeral comment ever

relative (speaking about long-dead mother of guy who just died at very young age): I guess she just couldn’t be without him so she took him to heaven.

Yeah, that’s right, his spiteful mother didn’t want him to have his own long and happy life. Selfish bitch wanted him to just die already so that he could go amuse her instead.

Are people braindead?!

RainyBow


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SunnyShine note: Yes.

teachings about porn from God lovers

I for one am so thankful for the new godtube.com site and all of its incredible teachings. Now I know the Christian way to react the next time porn randomly pops up on my computer (a situation that occurs almost daily, of course, since I can’t seem to reform my computer from its love for lewd material). I also got sucked in by the scintillating title of Christian Porn (7:45 I’ll never get back).

Seriously, people have too much time on their hands, n’est-ce pas?

RainyBow

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SunnyShine note: Please. These same Christians are the ones keeping the porn industry going. Does anyone really think this porn is accidentally downloading itself onto computers everywhere? Honey, I really don't know how these offensive images landed on my hard drive. Oops. Ted Haggart really isn't gay, he just sleeps with men....er....male prostitutes. Oops. There are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Oops. I rest my case.

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RainyBow note: And these same Christians are the ones keeping the look-where-I-found-the-image-of-this-dead-holy-person industry going too. Remember when everyone flocked to that grocery store where the image of Mary appeared in the dirt on a wall? Well, now there’s this chiquita in Pennsylvania who cut into an eggplant only to discover that the seeds spelled out “GOD.”

Clearly this was a sign from heaven. Thankfully, as she writes, “the item has been preserved in a food saver plastic bag and is frozen in a safe place.” Because now all the rest of us have the opportunity to purchase said piece of eggplant on ebay for the low price of just US$1,000.

So far no takers, but all of you look-where-I-found-the-image-of-this-dead-holy-person freaks out there had better get your bid in soon.

I, for one, make a point of only purchasing atheist eggplant.