Tuesday, September 9, 2008

and i'm the one who's single, vol. 1

I've said it before and I never tire of saying it: my workplace is a freakshow.

Last week, a colleague begged me to come by so she could show me something. I popped in and (surprise, surprise) she shoved a hand overflowing with bling in my face. And here is the conversation that ensued:

Me: Wow, congratulations. I didn't know you were dating anyone.

Ms. Bling: Well, I wasn't. Two weeks ago, I was just like you, thinking that there would never be any hope for me [note that no such conversation was ever had], when everything changed one night. My friend Dave called and invited me to his house to hang out and eat Chinese take-out. When I got there, he had already eaten and was watching the Olympics. So I sat down in his kitchen and ate my food, and when I was done, I asked him if there was any dessert. Well, he didn't say anything; he just got up and went upstairs. When he came back down, he was holding a box and he asked me to marry him. Isn't that amazing?!

Me: So he was just a friend?

Ms. Bling: Yes.

Me: So had you ever dated before?

Ms. Bling: Nope.

Me: Ever kissed?

Ms. Bling: Nope.

Me [unable to avoid sounding incredulous at this point]: Ever even thought about him as a possible significant other?

Ms. Bling: Not really. I was so surprised, I didn't really know what to say. But then I said yes. So you never know, one of your guy friends might propose to you all of a sudden and then all of your single woes will be over.

Me [confused, possibly even disoriented]: Ummm, OK, but the thing is, I don't think I'd really say yes. If I wanted to be with a guy friend of mine, I think I'd already have done whatever to be with him. The friends of mine who are friends are really just friends, not sort of friends who could be something else.

Ms. Bling [beaming with excitement]: tat-tat-tat, you never know!

And here's all I have to say: I'm the one who's single?!

4 comments:

Jon said...

Clearly your standards are too high. You should just marry the next guy who's too rude to wait for you to eat dinner.

Emory Mayne said...

Now that must have been one hell of a fortune cookie.

Word; eat more Wanton! (with friends)

complain away said...

Jon, you're just envious of the highly romantic engagement story those two will be able to share with their grandkids. "I watched a wiry Russian dude win the pole vault while your grandma scarfed some chop suey. Magic was in the air."

The only way I'll be able to have something similar of my own is if I hook up with the crazy guy next door with the bad pick up lines. "And then your grandpa said to me, 'and if you have too much of the joint at my house and can't stumble down the hall to your own bed, you can just wake up in mine.'" Oh yeah.

Emory, the last fortune cookie I got was "you speak very clearly," and that was way more meaningful than my usual. Clearly I need to switch up where I'm getting my moo shiu.

Anonymous said...

PUSSY,PUSSY,HERE PUSSY !!!!