Wednesday, July 9, 2008

trying not be hurt

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable.

Most of my close friends are men. Not sure why, but there you go. One of my good friends is the guy who relieves constipation with his heated seats (sadly, a major source of search traffic for this blog), for whom I once drove to a restaurant to pay for a dinner date (he left his wallet at home).

Well, that dinner date was the beginning of something big. Friend called me last week, all excited, to tell me that he had proposed and she had said yes. I tried to be happy, but it was hard because I hadn't yet met his fiancee.

That's right, one of my good friends got engaged and didn't bother to introduce me to his significant other (who lives in the same city I do, I might add), whom he decided to marry.

I got upset, maybe more than I should have. After all, when someone calls to tell you that he or she is engaged, I think you're supposed to be all happy, or at least pretend to be all happy, or at least that's what I imagine my mother would tell me to do. I said, "You got engaged and I haven't even met her? When am I going to meet her?"

(To be very honest, I said this a la whiny voice, but it could have been a lot worse, right?)

His response: "Oh yeah, we're going to have an engagement party sometime this summer, so you can meet her there."

Well, today I got an evite to his engagement party and I have one word: crappy. The party's at a bar and a billion people are invited. Generally, that means we'll get about 5 minutes of innocuous conversation, yelled at each other over some ridiculous music. And I got invited 2 weeks in advance, to a party on a summer weekend. I treasure my summer weekends and maximize them by doing all kinds of outdoorsy stuff, and I hate hate hate getting stuck in the city for a stupid party. So wow, I can't wait to "meet" her.

OK, so I know you're hearing only my side of the story, but this all sucks, doesn't it? And it makes sense for me to be hurt, right? I'm trying not to be too hurt, since every indication is that my friend will be one of those people who gets married and doesn't have friends anymore. I find those people disturbing.


Complaint Department Manager said...

"Oh yeah, we're going to have an engagement party sometime this summer, so you can meet her there."

That right there tells me he lumps everyone into the same pot and thus, you to him are a generic friend...NOT COOL! I'd be pissed too. If one of my close friends ever did that to me, they'd sooooooo be off my contacts list.

If it were me, I wouldn't show or get them anything for the occasion. But that's just me.

complain away said...

thx. I felt a bit evil but I declined the invitation, purely because I didn't feel like letting him off the hook so easily. Glad to hear someone doesn't think I'm overreacting, and a guy at that.

I guess I just wish I could understand what's going on here.

Mayne said...

"I guess I just wish I could understand what's going on here."

Well dahling, it is called love, and your friend has succumbed to the time eternal effects thereof.

The all omnipresent desire to be at one with one other, does bring with it a lassitude for anyone or anything else around you.

Such is the celebrated emotion we know as love.

So, I would not take it personally, nor hold a grudge, nor fret over an understanding .... it is a natural human process that comforts us, before we slip the mortal coil.

complain away said...

Eek. Emory, please don't tell me you the 'pouse is your only friend.

Now, I don't know the 'pouse, and I'm sure she's a fascinating person, but what's wrong with having other people around who have different interests and with whom you can do different things?

The more I think about it, the more I think this is a weird male/female problem. No, not the interesting kind, just the kind where a guy thinks his wife wouldn't appreciate him having a friend who's a girl. Blech.

Mayne said...

No, no no, silly.

This is a passing phase of a relationship. It's commonly referred too as the 'nesting cycle' that lasts anywhere from 8~ 16 months; hence the lassitude. Many couples don't get through this nesting stage, and divorce almost immiediatly.

Many singles live with a partner, and go through the motions of nesting, either ending up married, or left in a confused state as to what the hell went wrong. These are of course generalities. We have friends that partnered, and split without harm. We have never heard of a 'good divorce.

Once the couple are nested they drift into other friendships - mostly friendships with other nested couples. Hence the want for their single friends to couple and nest themselves.

The 'We have a friend that would be perfect for you' spiel; that I am sure you have heard.

"....but what's wrong with having other people around who have different interests and with whom you can do different things?"

The short answer is nothing at all. A more appropriate understanding would sound something like this though;

It's not that 'single' friendships are dangerous, or unwanted, it is that once a couple nests; then single friendships are nolonger interesting (not that singles are uninteresting - would not want to leave that impression.) The same for couples - how often have you heard singles say '.. they /he/ she used to be so much fun'

Singles and Couples have different views, interests, 'fun time,' togetherness / alone time, and in essence these differences are, or become incompatable with a differing and divergent reality.

What couple wants to hear how 'shitty' this relationship is, or how bitchy that girl is, or how rotten this guy was? What single wants to hear how great a relationship is; how wonderful hubby, or wifey pooh are?


"Eek. Emory, please don't tell me the 'pouse is your only friend. "

Oddly enough I do not know any of Snoot's 'old' friends- none from her college days or any high school friends. She knows all of my old friends- from both College and High School, and we of course share friendships we have made over the years.

I do know her 'new' close friends very well, and like them very much. Most of my 'new' friends are more business partners than freinds, and I suppose I need to make a better effort - frankly I could not be arsed, therefore I tend to internet more than the Pouse I suppose.

Anyhoo.... just trying to shed a little light. If you are 'trying' not to be upset, then you are upset, and proberbly have a reason to be. Not being judgemental at all, and apologize if I came off that way.