Friday, December 28, 2007

more hot yoga madness

I've been going to the crazy people hot yoga. I can't help it; I'm strangely attracted to freakishness.

There is so much amusement at the crazy people yoga. I could write pages about the outfits (or lack thereof) alone. But the best stories about the last class I attended relate to the ongoing scent-free debacle.

Since my first visit, I've managed to escape the superhuman sniffing of the crazy instructor. But in the class I just attended, she ordered two new students to shower with the unscented products beforehand. Like me, they complied.

About 10 minutes into the class, she told them rather bluntly that neither of them met the scent-free standards, and that they would need to leave the studio immediately. One of them was next to me and I didn't smell a thing, and it's not like my nose is freakishly useless. They looked around in a certain wtf way (familiar, since it was the same way I looked around when I was ordered to shower) and then left.

The instructor then ranted to us about the importance of no scents. "Remember that even your deodorant is bad," she said, "and that you can't put it on in the changeroom. You'll have to wait until you completely leave the studio to apply it." Visions of a group of yoga students applying deodorant while waiting for the elevator danced in my head.

Just when I was done giggling to myself about that incident, I caused another myself. You see, I get heartburn every time I do one particular pose, and it's brutal heartburn, the kind that burns continuously. I was determined this week to put an end to it. Without fully thinking through the implications, I stashed a Rolaids in my shorts and decided I would pop it before hitting that sequence of poses.

Well, pop it I did and about three seconds later, the instructor piped up with, "Somebody in this room smells like bubblegum or fruit. Remember, this is a scent-free studio and that will not be tolerated." I was discovered.

DO NOT MOUTH BREATHE, I told myself. Normally this isn't hard, but it's the most difficult thing ever when you feel your life at yoga class depends on it.

Crazy instructor lady pretended not to be able to localize the smell. I know that was all a ruse. She's now got me blacklisted.

I stopped on the way home and picked up longer lasting, unflavoured antacids. Next time I'll take one hours before, something I should have thought of before contaminating the studio with a fruit flavoured tablet. Combine that with my new scent-free shampoo and scent-free detergent, and I'm starting to gather quite a new collection of crazy yoga paraphernalia.


Kathy said...

Amusing outfits or not, I'd be outta there. There's a fine line between crazy lady instructor and nazi lady instructor, and I think she crossed over a while ago.

Complaint Department Manager said...

Agreed, there's no earthly way I would ever put up with an instructor's behavior like that, especially after I pay for a class. I would have made a scene and probably would have made that hippie instructor cry before it was all said and done.

complain away said...

I hear you, and yet the classes are miraculously full.

Doesn't that leave you curious wtf is going on? I desperately want to infiltrate the group of students to find out whether they're all brainwashed to believe this is normal, or whether they leave the studio and spread the stories (as I do). I need to know more.

And, CDM, I feel you would probably make several people in my life cry without even trying. I hesitate to even speculate about what would happen to my world if you were to put any effort into it....

Marnie said...

I'd be outta there first thing too, but I suppose the classes are full of people who really need a scent-free environment.